"why do gods throw flowers all around me?
maybe they wanna hurt my eyes."
Mercedes Gameiro
The water was running slowly down the drain, the sinking feeling fit her hands and her thoughts well in that particular evening. She could let herself be dragged by that water flow down the drain at any minute now but she wouldn't, she respected him too much for that.
His entire self and a bit more than what he ever thought he had was entirely present, right by the door, a few feet away from her entire self even a bit more present than his own: in pain and in relief.
He didn't smile, no. He barely could understand what had just happened. For one to bear a smile - one thinks - one needs to be inside of something - and he wasn't even inside of his own shell. To be entirely honest, she couldn't understand anything either. Her hands still played with the water which got colder and colder, pushing her further and further away from him although all she wanted was to go back to the warmth of the safe rest he provided every time he offered her his shoulders and broad arms to hold her. It all seemed so simple - she knew it - and simple it was, but not in that particular evening. How could anything be simple when she's present? It was just part of who she was, and why not to say, part of his life as well.
He stood still as a rock, silent as a rock, severe as a rock. She stood.
There was a rather cool breeze invading the room, making the soft white curtains flow with it as if nothing could ever match that movement again. That caught her eye. She looked up to see the curtains moving and a soft smile tinted the corner of her mouth with a sweet darker tone of shade that he knew very well. She smiled like that when she was actually happy. He knew that quite well because that's precisely how she greeted him every time she'd see him, with that cornered smile delivering nothing yet revealing it all - at least everything he needed to know.
Taking it as a hint, a clue of what she wanted, he approached her without thinking of the consequences, without measuring his already larger than life by nature acts. He simply opened his mouth and let a soft and unsure tone bring into words what he thought he was thinking:
- I know that smile.
He did know that smile. It was all for him to take it.
- Now, what does that mean?
The smile turned into a small laugh like those she didn't dare to carry for too long.
- It means I like your curtains.
Now it was his turn to smile that all very personal smile he only allowed her to see. They both hadn't realized just what their entire bodies had already figured out before their meeting earlier that day... but hey, It didn't matter because their smiles could take hold of each others' attention in such ways that nothing else seemed to matter.
- Oh, is that what it means then...
By now he had deciphered the illusion and his entire self seemed more comfortable to get closer, yet the water was still running and her hands were already cold and senseless under its stream. He actually thought he knew what she was worried about. She felt the warmth of his presence, the weight of his hands on her arms, his breath that always seemed short and heavy whenever he seemed tense.
- I think I know what you are thinking.
He whispered softly between a deep breath and a kiss on her left cheek, right on the freckle he loved to point out every time they saw each other. Her smile turned into awareness. How can one man, only one, single individual get inside of her thoughts the way he did?
Her cold and numb right hand twisted the water tap while she watched the last drops hitting her clammy pores. She didn't over react, one could say she didn't react at all and that was exactly what got him confused. Or did it?
She reached out for a towel while he still had his hands around her arms. Although his fingers felt soft around her skin, she could feel the brutal necessity he had to understand it all in an almost logical way, he expected a word - anything. As she dried out her hands, she turned around to finally face his saturated eyes staring at her own - something she was truly never afraid of doing, although she couldn't name the reason behind it - after all she was afraid of so many other simpler things that would make her feel weak and sickly admitting.
Her expression didn't change. Her lips, her eyes or cheeks didn't move but he knew exactly what she meant. He nodded as softly as the breeze blowing through the window. He blinked a few times and sorted out his feelings so he could reveal his reasons.
Her words finally came out clearly but not the way he expected them to sound like.
- I'm sorry...
- For what?
- For not being the glamorous woman you needed me to be.
He stepped back for a moment, not because he needed to take a better look at her under the heavy full moon light but simply because he wasn't ready for what he had just heard. He didn't love her simply, he admired whatever it was that came from her and that he couldn't explain how but that kept his jaw dropped, his eyes open wide and his thoughts moonstruck by the heavy burden she would place on her own shoulders but didn't seem to sweat a drop to have it carried around wherever she went. Was it him? Could this heavy and worm-eaten weight have his name on it? Would that be possible? His mind couldn't grasp it.
- Well, I'm sorry then.
- You? For what?
- For making you think that that's what I needed.
She now shifted her sorrow eyes for feminine ones, her hands now looked for his although they remained hidden since the moment he stepped back and away from her in disbelief. He now appeared more certain than ever of everything left unsaid and she... oh well, she couldn't compete with his torturous truthful looks and sighs, half smiles and whole ones. She would give in, as easily and as precisely as she had so many times before, but he would forget how hard she acted from time to time... how tough she played her made up games with her own little brains and heart.
He loved to unplug her diet of low carbs and no soul... she loved to remind him of the fact he was just as hungry as herself seemed to be.
The moon whispered something underneath the dark sky but they wouldn't bother to hear, her light wasn't nearly as inherently powerful as their own anyway.
***
